Saturday, December 17, 2005

Thank You SO Much for all Your Thoughtful Forwarded Emails

A girl can never have too much good luck (thanks, Barbie!) and it's just wonderful to know that one's good friends are thinking about them in such a thoughty way.


Dear friends,
>>
My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.
>>
Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.
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Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
>>
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
>>
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
>>
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
>>
I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
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I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
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I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
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I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
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I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their secret recipe.
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I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.
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Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
>>
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.
>>
Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!
>>
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (CDT) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

Love,

Dotty

5 Comments:

Blogger JB said...

Ha, ha! Lin, this cracked me up because, my god, I hear a lot of urban legends thanks to the e-mail forwards.

Also, I love your description of Barbie’s birthday party--I hope I can throw a party like that when I turn 60.

3:42 PM  
Blogger granny p said...

I think we can manage the pigeons. xx

9:22 AM  
Blogger Yidchick said...

Large smile :-)

3:43 AM  
Blogger Ova Girl said...

Ah yes, excellent. I think I'm also covered. Good to read that you're back Lin...

xx

7:09 PM  
Blogger Crystal said...

That was REALLY funny! Chain emails are just a way to spread silly Urban Legends. Btw I'm happy to see that you're blogging again, when I did the name changeover I wanted to notify you but there weren't any posts for a while. Happy HOlidays!!

8:14 PM  

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