The Spa Within

So today there’s another shoot going on at my house and the magazine is going to show its readers how to have a true spa experience in their very own home and really, deep down you know it’s a crock, but the whole idea is most appealing. So today it’s all about the beautiful, skinny people with perfect tits and the rather touching thing about them is they’re all very sweet and they actually do eat real food and they’re not throwing up afterwards so I guess it’s genetic? Or…maybe the food they’re given on a shoot (commonly known as Kraft Services no matter who caters) is the only food they ever eat and their refrigerators are as empty as their stomachs generally are. Or maybe they're just sensitive to the fact that my septic tanks need as little stress as is possible. Hard to tell. What I do know is that models drink a lot of coffee while they sit around and wait to be called.

The day is exquisite. It’s one of those magical, Southern California days where you know it’s foggy and cool along the coast (because the mountains opposite my house are shrouded in mist), but here on my ridgeline, the sky is blue, the breeze gentle enough to give the models’ perfect hair a little movement and the air is magically warm. Yes, a perfect February day. My mind screams FEBRUARY? in disbelief, but February it is. Any questions as to why I’m happy not to live in Wisconsin, in February?

I’m being paid today to be the agent for the shoot. Usually, someone handles all the little matters like making sure pads are put under the camera equipment, etc. Truth of the matter is, the agent always asks me if certain things are okay anyway. They need to occasionally use the home phone because there’s no cell phone coverage up here and then there’s a septic tank so there’s the old “If it’s yellow let it mellow…” philosophy when there are 20 extra people in the house. Please septic tanks, stay healthy and functioning. I just ask that the toilet be flushed every other time, for yellow use. So I’m here to answer all their little questions regarding just what is copasetic for this very idiosyncratic house.

Hang on, just need to go and check that the irrigation system is shut down because last year, guess what? It wasn’t! And guess what happened? Well, how about three beautiful, skinny models pretending to eat ice cream cones and the two photographers and the people who hold the light screens and THE EXPENSIVE CAMERAS all getting caught in a water storm. Yep, one sprinkler started up right where they were standing and then they all ran, screaming to another part of the yard and then that sprinkler started and then they just all started running around in circles, screaming and the camera guys were yelling “TURN IT OFF, TURN IT OFF.” I didn’t immediately know where to go to turn it off, but finally found the box. So now I know where both irrigation systems are and I know exactly how to turn it all off.

I also know how to make lemonade from lemons and I suggested as the sprinklers were running and the models were screaming that the photographer should just keep on shooting. The shoot was for Shape Magazine and it was for a summer issue and it was all about being in the yard and having fun and you’ll never guess, but they actually used that shot of the hysterical models running in the sprinkler for the mag. Guess I showed them.

Gotta scoot. Kraft Services just arrived. It’s lunchtime! (Baked fish with a herb crust, salad with a balsamic vinaigrette, rice pilaf, onion tart, chicken with a thai peanut sauce, a flan for dessert with baked apples and home baked chocolate chip cookies.)