Tuesday, March 15, 2005

A Horse is a Horse, of course, of course

"YOU HORSE'S ASS, YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"Hmmmmm...that's what one of the expert witnesses shouted at the defendant's attorney today. Even I knew that was out of line, but I kept a straight face and didn't dare look any direction but down. Not so the three young, girlie jurors who sit behind me. In my heart I prayed that their nervous, stacatto-outbursts of giggles would hold and not develop into some serious lack of control because I knew if that happened, I may well join them. These are very bright young women who just can't help their natural exuberance. But let's start at the beginning, WITHOUT SPILLING THE BEANS about what this trial is all about.

The plaintiffs seems to be finding some pretty interesting experts but none more so than the name-caller of today. Interestingly, considering his outburst, he actually had horse's teeth...I'm serious. They were really huge and seemed to get in the way of his tongue. He had a problem with dry mouth, too, so he was always licking his lips. I wanted to offer him an Altoids, but I'd already loaned him a pair of my reading glasses and enough's enough. Here's the reading glasses story.

He's sworn-in, takes the stand and is patting his pockets and rummaging noisly in his briefcase when the judge says, "Excuse me, sir, are you looking for something?" Turns out, he forgot his reading glasses. The judge looks up, stifles a sigh and I pipe up, "Well, curiously, I have three pairs of 2.5's in my purse. Would that be of any help?" It is unusual for me to have three pairs, certainly, but more unusual is for me to even know how many pairs I am totin'. Mr. Ed was indeed delighted to have a pair of reading glasses at his disposal since being able to read the odd exhibit was pretty important. I was happy to help out UNTIL I NOTICED HIM CHEWING on the stem of my glasses. That moron would wear them, take them off and then start chewing on them when he didn't need them. I had to literally bite my tongue and look away. I was pleased to see that one of the defendants looked pretty horrified and then glanced up at me to see if I'd noticed such a breach of etiquette. We locked eyes, then quickly looked away before we could be accused of being in cahoots or something weird like that.


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